Top 10 Things I Hate About Being Pregnant

Posted by Lindsey Costard on Wednesday, September 26, 2012.

I am not the kind of woman who dreamed of being pregnant, or who even particularly enjoys being pregnant. Actually, until very very recently (as in the last 3 months) I compared the idea of pushing a baby out of me to pushing a watermelon out of a straw. Inconceivable, and I was certainly not going to clean up that mess! Pregnancy has had its ups but just for humour's sake, let's discuss the many many (many) downs.
  1. I am a bloated beach whale.  At 8 months pregnant, my hands and feet suddenly OUT OF NOWHERE just swell up like I'm blowing helium into them at that very second. Only they don't feel light and airy. They feel like a fat, tingly mess.
  2. The baby is sitting on my cervix. Sitting is actually an understatement. The baby is smashing her head against my cervix over and over, as if out of frustration, causing searing pain to blast me like a lightening bolt all day long. What did I do baby? Is your home not small and warm enough??? 
  3. Clothes don't fit me. They haven't really fit for a while, but I've been trying to make it work as long as possible... But somehow a little lower tummy hanging out because your shirt actually doesn't physically stretch over it doesn't have the sex appeal you might think it would...
  4. Doggy style is getting boring. You heard it here first, folks. Doggy style is the only position possible now and it's getting boooo-ring. 
  5. I can't move without grunting. It doesn't make for more opportunities to have repeated doggy-syle sex either. Grunting when you move isn't sexy. It just makes it easier to physically move my big ol' whale body.
  6. Lots of flatulence. Gas in general. I wake myself up in the middle of the night burping.  Who does that?!?!? Oh. PREGNANT WOMEN.
  7. Sleep is totally messed! I can't fall asleep before 1 or 2 a.m., I wake up during the night to use the bathroom, and then I'm awake at 5 a.m. unable to fall back asleep. So I get up with my husband but then I'm exhausted around 11 a.m. so I have a nap for, like, 3 hours before doing it all over again. Why????
  8. Totally distorted body image. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror sometimes... my body has changed so fast and so drastically, I can't possibly see how it will go back to its original size.
  9. Bending quasi-impossible. Imagine if you had a watermelon strapped to the front of your body. Try putting your pants on. Now try tying your shoes. Try putting them on first.  Oops you dropped the soap in the tiny shower. Try picking it up. Try to SEE YOUR VAGINA. You cannot do any of these things so stop trying.
  10. Baby moving inside of me all day long. I actually SEE little feet pushing my belly out. The feeling isn't so 'nice'... but even I have to admit... that's my BABY in there. That little baby is going to come out of my body. My husband and I made this with our BODIES!
And I can't. Freaking. Wait!

5 Responses to Top 10 Things I Hate About Being Pregnant

  1. Lindsey

    Oh and HEARTBURN! How could I forget about heartburn... a feeling I've never ever had before and now have EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE. I am reminded of heartburn because, obviously, I have it right now!

  2. Theo Tree's Family

    I had this identical list of hates...the end is really really hard, there's no denying it and no one really tells you and you probably wouldn't believe them if they did.

    The best part is that you are so so so close, and in the end, those little suckers really are worth the whale body/doggy style/interrupted sleep/gas/heartburn and your ever changing body.


  3. Corinne

    oh the best feeling was being able to sit crossed legged on the bed the day after labor. My hands were so swollen when I would wake up that I could not close them into a fist. The only good thing is it will be over soon!

  4. Anonymous

    Not that I was thinking about it, but you make me want not to be pregnant. I've always been a little weirded out by having another person growing inside me, and pushing it out (I feel pain only thinking about it) you just made it worse. LOL

  5. Meredith

    I don't miss that at all! I loved TUMS.

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